I have really been struggling with what to write. I have all these things that I want to share, but where do I start?? my mind goes a million miles an minute and then it just goes blank. So I have decided to just write whatever comes to mind ….
Today I want to tell you a little bit about me and my journey. So brace yourself for some rollercoaster thoughts here.
I was a normal 70’s kid, my Father worked at a National Guard Camp, my mother seemed to do the normal wife things. We lived in an average house, in a nice little neighborhood. I was the youngest child and I rode my bike to school with all the other kids. Then my parents got divorced when I was in kindergarten. And boy did life change fast!!
After a while my father was around less and less, and my mom was certainly not the typical housewife any longer. And my mother had a TBI, as a child I didn’t realize that a TBI can really make people do weird shit. See my mother lived in a reality that her brain created, which was not always what us kids lived. I know as an educated adult that this was not something she could control. I did not know that as a child and I often held a lot of anger towards my mom.
It started out as just new friends, new experiences, I don’t even think my mother knew how odd this was for her children. Then it was always the same excuses,” it’s your dads fault” , “I am doing the best I can as a single mom”, “I am trying to do what’s best for you kids”. Well, I can tell you learning that the police were at your house because the neighbors teenage daughter was drying weed in your oven , that is not normal!! I was 8 when the sexual abuse started , 9 when I came home and people were snorting coke off the coffee table, my mom was nowhere to be found. We had moved as far away from any family members that my mom could get away with without permission from our father.
So WE SURVIVED!! That is all you can do when the adult in charge shouldn’t be!! Did anyone really know what a TBI could do at the time. No it happened when my mother was a child and the research back then was minimal at best. Even now we don’t all there is to know about how a traumatic brain injury affects the mind.
We were taught to stay out of trouble and never ever talk about anything that happened at home ( kind of breaking that rule now ). My sister did most of the cooking and my brother made sure I did my homework and practiced my violin lessons. They really did a lot for me and I am certainly grateful for them. I do still get angry sometimes when I look at how life was for us and how no one ever really noticed or knew what was going on. I know my siblings haven’t healed the way I have and I don’t know if they have done anything to heal at all, because we don’t talk about it!! It is never talked about. I do hope that they have healed in their own ways.
My healing journey started when I met a woman Pastor, my mom agreed to let me go to church on my own. One thing I am always grateful for!, my mom let me find my spiritual path and not once told me how to choose which church to go to, or that I had to be catholic like her !! This allowed to learn so much and to research everything!! I was able to find my fit!
I was able to meet with this Pastor every week and to freely talk about all my experiences and the abuse I had endured. If you never talk about your experiences you just carry them inside and they eat at you, control you, control your choices in life. I chose to let go of all that, and to move forward to LIVE! Really really LIVE!!
People will say that’s all it takes , it is most definitely NOT!! Because life happens, things happen, triggers are there and set you back. And it is truly difficult to forgive someone that took so much from you. But you can heal your life !!
I did 💕 and I will be sharing more and more of how I healed my past and I will be throwing in some of how I keep healing and living!!
Love and Light