Ripped Jeans and caffeine, it’s a lifestyle. My lifestyle. I have always worked hard, got dirty, ripped my jeans or wore them out, doing the work. I was a single mom for 15 years! I did what any woman should do, I got shit done.
Two years ago I had surgery to fix my shoulder and bicep tendon, an injury from cleaning up storm damage. One year ago I was back at the surgeon’s office because once again, the bicep tendon was torn from cleaning up more storm damage. And today it is still torn. It can not be fixed again at this point.
This has been a real eye opener for me. I have done more damage to my body working, than any of my abusers had done. I have to slow down a bit and be more kind to my body. My dominant arm is pretty week with the tendon damage.
I also realize something else. I have spent the last 20 years doing all the hard stuff, for other people. I enjoyed it, but it took so much time away from building my own dreams. All the events happening in my life right now are only opening doors for me to focus more and my dreams, my health, my marriage, and my kids. I am grateful for that.
When you keep giving and giving to someone else’s story, yours doesn’t get written the right way. I was stuck trying to make someone else’s bad story, a good one, when they never wanted it to change. But I always see the potential in stuff that others want to throw aside. And that has left me with so many emotions right now, because I didn’t want to see the negative side, I wanted to build on the potential that I could see. Sadly that wasn’t supported. And it’s time for me to let go and focus on MY potential!
My potential, what is that, what does that look like?? I am not entirely sure just yet. Having more time to be the best mom and wife that I can be is going to be HUGE !!! So many good things are going to happen! And I won’t be spending all my time cleaning up someone else’s messes. I want to spend a couple weeks focused on my kids, figuring out a new normal for us that will provide them with the lessons they will need to thrive as adults.
Not every shitty situation leaves you in a bad place! There are always lessons to learn, and personal growth to gain. I have definitely learned what my triggers are!! Where I need to continue healing, and why. And I fully intend to work on those things. Because if I am being honest with myself, learning that I can be triggered into complete self preservation mode so quickly, breaks my heart. Not only that I have to heal those areas, but because I trusted someone that made me feel so angry, worthless, and disposable. I was just tossed out with everything else no longer needed, like I wasn’t even a human. I will forever be a huge part of their sad story, tossed out with the trash.
I am a mom, wife, sister, Aunt, niece, granddaughter, and friend. I am a living soul, I have been searching for my path and purpose, being a doormat is not it. How I treat people moving forward will forever be altered. And hopefully I will be able to heal these areas that have come to light, so I never make anyone feel the way I do right now. I am going to take my power back now!! I am going to bring all my energy back to me, to heal my heart and soul, because I can’t hep others heal until I am healed.
The next few weeks will be crazy busy and chaotic AF! My family will be going through lots of changes and challenges. But I know in my little shattered heart, this journey will only bring healing and joy in the future!! So when we are faced with the shitty situations, remember a lotus blooms in the mud my friends!! Acknowledge your triggers, focus on healing that area of yourself !! And come out brighter, stronger, and wiser!
Love and Light